I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
