Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
