Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
