I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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