Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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