So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
