Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
