she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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