you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize