seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
