I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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