i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
