Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
