Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
