My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He's a Shit stain on my heart
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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