I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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