So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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