Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
