Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
