so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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