he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
