i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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