It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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