she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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