the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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