Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
