I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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