you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize