I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
