Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
