I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
