My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
