dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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