In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
