cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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