I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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