Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
