Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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