I'd wear matching sweaters with you
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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