She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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