is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
