remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
