I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
