phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
