Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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