A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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