I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
