I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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