It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
