Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
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I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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