And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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