Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I didn't notice because vodka
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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