I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
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he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
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We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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