the new term for farting is butt boxing.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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