I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
