if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
