this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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