worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
