I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
