I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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